I Was Not Ready for My First Pregnancy

 

Finding out you’re pregnant is supposed to feel exciting. But for many women, especially after an unexpected positive pregnancy test, the first reaction is fear, shock, and emotional confusion instead of happiness. Nobody really talks about how terrifying early pregnancy can feel when you don’t feel ready for your entire life to change overnight.

My First Reaction Was Panic

I found out I was pregnant on a Monday morning, while getting ready for office.

Not in a cute way either.

I was going through my morning routine with just one exception. My periods have never exactly been loyal to me (hello, PCOS), so I almost ignored it, but I had been feeling a bit off since the past few days, which was enough for me to dig out a pregnancy test while brushing my teeth.

I genuinely thought it would be negative.

I took the test, left it there for maybe a few seconds, looked down again and saw the two lines.

It was fast.

This wasn't my first time taking a pregnancy test. With a combination of irregular periods and a husband who refuses protection from the beginning of our 1-year old marriage, I had to be careful. Never had a positive for a whole year.

I remember my stomach dropping so suddenly it actually hurt.

Not with happiness or excitement. Just pure shock. All I remember was shaking. I had a lit cigarette in my hand and a pregnancy test in the other.

I sat on the bathroom floor for a minute staring at the test like it would change if I kept looking at it long enough.

The Weird Emotional Limbo After a Positive Test

I don’t even remember what thoughts came first. Everything kind of crashed together at once.

I'm sorry to say my first thoughts weren't about baby cots and diapers. They were about my body, my freedom, and my marriage. Because all of those were about to change (and I wasn't sure they wuld change for the better). 

I wasn't sure whether I even wanted this right now, or whether thinking that made me a horrible person already.

Nobody tells you that your brain doesn’t transform into a Mother immediately after two pink lines appear. 

One second earlier, I was just me.

Then suddenly I was supposed to become responsible. The maternal feelings didn't come. I wasn't grateful for the news, nor was I glowing in happiness.

I wasn’t any of those things. I was just scared and weirdly detached.

I remember staring at the cigarette in my hand thinking, “Well, I probably shouldn’t be smoking this anymore,” while still smoking it because my body hadn’t caught up to reality yet.

Then I went to wake my husband. Poor man woke up to me standing there looking like I’d seen a ghost.

I showed him the test without saying anything because I genuinely could not form a sentence.

At first he looked confused. Then he was fully awake. The shock came after that. Then after maybe thirty seconds of silence he said:

“We’re keeping this.”

I don’t know why that sentence hit me the way it did.

Because he wasn’t wrong, and he wasn’t forcing me.

But something about hearing it out loud made me feel like the floor disappeared underneath me.

Like suddenly, this wasn’t news anymore. It was a decision of a future I wan't sure I was ready for. These two lines suddenly became a thing that was now moving forward whether I emotionally caught up or not.

Going to Office After Finding Out I Was Pregnant Felt Unreal

The worst part was that I still had to get ready for office after that.

That honestly feels like the cruelest part of adulthood sometimes. Your life can completely split open at 8 in the morning and by 9:30 you still have to reply to emails professionally.

I remember sitting at work staring at my screen while everyone around me talked normally and all I could think was:

“There is something growing inside me right now.”

Which sounds dramatic, but that was genuinely the only thought looping in my head the entire day.

Meanwhile my husband started coping by becoming an Instagram pregnancy researcher.

Every few minutes another reel.

Don’t eat papaya. 

Don’t lift heavy things.

First trimester precautions.

Then immediately after:

“It could still be a false positive.”

“Don’t get excited yet.”

“We should test again.”

Honestly, that messed with my head too. Because part of me was panicking over the possibility that I was pregnant, and another part was suddenly panicking over the possibility that maybe I wasn’t. Then there's my husband who seemed to be happy but also containing his happiness because he didn't want to be disappointed later.

This is the same person who said he didn't want a kid just two weeks ago. How could I be sure he was asking me to keep the baby because he really wanted to be a dad, and not because that is what is expected of him?

It was such a confusing place to exist emotionally.

I took another test after coming home from office.

Positive again.

Then two more the next day because apparently I thought repeatedly peeing on sticks would somehow make this feel less real.

Still positive.

We didn’t tell anyone.

We weren't trying to be mysterious. I think we just couldn’t handle other people’s emotions on top of our own yet.

So we booked a gynecologist appointment for the weekend and just carried on. We pretended life was normal while this giant terrifying thing sat quietly between us.

I Felt Guilty for Not Feeling Ready

Underneath all the panic, there was this horrible guilty feeling I couldn’t say out loud to anyone:

I was not ready.

Not for a baby.

Not for my body to stop feeling like mine.

Not for my entire future to change on a random Monday morning before office.